Pain Relief

“Morphine is to broken bones as human connection is to emotional turmoil.”

We are designed to be in connection with one another. Our biological make-up requires a strong bond to other human beings to survive and thrive. We crave it. It really helps to know we're not alone, especially when we're in pain or distress. 

Genuine connection with others is the quickest path to relief from the pain that comes with being human. Meeting another human face to face and heart to heart in the fray of our deepest fears, grief and inadequacies is like morphine. It doesn’t necessarily eliminate the pain, but it gives us something powerful enough to help our bodies and minds feel the pain less keenly. 

Sometimes, having a connection with another human being is the only thing that gets us through to the other side of what is hurting. 

If we want to give people we care about a dose of emotional pain relief, if we want to give them some respite from the ache of their hurt, anxiety, anger, confusion or grief, the BEST medicine is to connect IN that struggle, human to human. No fixing or solving, just stopping and seeing and leaning in. Flooding their systems with the assurance that they are not alone. 

Physically this could look like:

- Turning your body towards theirs 

- Mirroring or matching movements (if they're pacing, you pace. If they're slumped on the floor, you get down on the floor)

- Positioning yourself shoulder to shoulder (look where they're looking, physically take their perspective). 

- Touch, where appropriate, invited & consented to. (Holding hands, placing a hand on their shoulder or back, playing with their hair, massaging their hands or feet as they talk/share/cry) 

- Keeping the tone and volume of your voice measured. (Matching theirs in grief, setting a calming tone in anxiety or anger). 

Verbally this could sound like:

"I hear you"

"You matter to me"

"I'm here with you"

"I'm ok with sad, crying, angry, confused, or scared"

"Talk or don't, I'm here either way"

"Can I stay with you until this feeling shifts a bit?" 

"Would you like silence, questions or distractions right now?" 

"I want to understand what this is like for you." 

"I'm here to listen, that's it."

Mentally this could mean:

- Being aware of your own emotions and setting some of them aside momentarily to connect with something different.

- Noticing and resisting the urge to add, fix, advise or suggest.

- Being prepared to stay in pauses and silences that may be uncomfortable for you. 

- Opening yourself to feel and see personal similarities and points of connection with their pain, rather than staying "above" or sympathising with it.

This kind of connecting with others doesn’t always come naturally and often takes practice. This is because we’ve been taught that we need to get people out of their pain, so we really think we’re helping by attempting to fix or take the pain away. But the reality is, most of the emotional pain we feel will exist until it shifts naturally, it cannot be fixed or taken away before it’s ready. So, what really helps, what really brings relief, is to simply be connected to another human being in our pain. It seems counterintuitive, but it really is the most powerful pain relief there is. 

Together in pain,

K.