Could Complaining Be Good for Us?
I've been thinking about the concept of 'complaining' a lot over the last 24 hours thanks to a conversation with a friend.
One of the things I hear most often in my work and in my general human interactions, is that people, when they're struggling, don't want to be perceived as complaining. They'll often say things like:
"I don't mean to complain"
"I should stop complaining"
"I have nothing to complain about really"
"You must be tired of hearing me complain"
And yet they come to me, clearly desperate to complain...and when they are given psychological safety and room to complain (often in detail and repetitively) without reprimand, rerouting or solution-finding, they report having new clarity about their struggle as well as feeling lighter and generally "better".
This is interesting to me and highlights the social conditions around the act of complaining.
It's clear we've been taught, either directly or by social osmosis, that complaining is wrong, bad, detrimental, unnecessary and unwelcome.
(SIDE NOTE: I wonder if complaining has been labelled "bad" because it ultimately asks us to enter into someone else's discomfort, and let's be honest, us humans are all about avoiding discomfort at any cost).
Yet, by definition, complaining is simply the expression of something uncomfortable. Complaining is just telling someone else the truth about our dissatisfaction or annoyance or frustration or pain.
There is nothing inherently wrong with that. In fact, articulate expression and sharing of emotional turmoil is a marker of happier, healthier humans!
Is it possible that complaining is a natural and good way to recognise, tolerate and accept struggles and ask for support so we don't have to face them alone?
Generally complaining is framed as being socially unacceptable. It is associated with having a “poor attitude”. It is often ignored or reprimanded and it’s generally something people try NOT to do. But what if complaining is simply an expression of disappointment or dissatisfaction? What if it’s a statement of struggle or suffering or a bid for human connection? What if complaining is a way to share, cope with and tolerate hard things?
How might the struggle change or shift if our to answer to complaining is: “I see you, I hear you. Take my hand. We’re in this together now”?
In purposeful complaint,
K.
