Raising Respect
Over the past two decades, I’ve connected with thousands of adolescents and their support systems. One theme consistently emerges: respect.
I’ve listened to teachers desperate for more of it in their classrooms, stood beside parents hurt by the lack of it, witnessed communities grieving its collective loss, and heard from young people struggling to find their place within it.
Clearly, respect is high on our communal agenda.
What Do We Really Mean by “Respect”?
I often wonder what people actually mean when they use the word respect—especially when speaking about teens. Have the words ‘respect’ and ‘obedience’ become interchangeable in the vocabulary of adults?
Let’s clarify the difference:
· Respect is defined as an active demonstration of regard for the feelings, wishes, and rights of another person.
· Obedience is compliance with a request or submission to an authority.
When I hear stories about “respect” in homes, schools, and communities, it often seems what’s being described is actually obedience or compliance—not genuine respect.
In my experience, when an adult says they want respect, what they often mean is: “I want the child to do what I ask, be in an expected emotional state, or behave how I prefer.”
What Adults Really Want
Sometimes, what adults are really asking for is obedience. We want young people to:
- Do what we say
- Think how we think
- Behave how we would behave
- Trust our way of doing things
That’s not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, obedience is important when someone is responsible for another’s safety. But understanding how obedience is achieved and differentiating it from respect, is critical.
Two Types of Obedience
Obedience occurs in two primary relational environments:
1. Obedience out of Fear
Humans will often obey to avoid negative consequences—punishment, pain, exclusion.
This kind of obedience is effective in the short term but damaging in the long run. It’s control-based, not connection-based.
2. Obedience out of Trust
This kind of obedience happens when a person feels:
- Known
- Understood
- Wanted
- Valued
- Protected
When a person feels safe and seen, they may comply—even without full understanding or agreeing—because the relationship makes them feel secure.
Why the Distinction Matters
If we teach children that “respect” is just doing what adults say or meeting adult expectations, we’re setting ourselves up for struggle.
As children grow into adolescents and begin seeking respect for themselves, it is likely they will, in turn, expect it to look like compliance to their preferences and submission to their requests—exactly how they were taught to show it.
And then the power struggles begin.
What We Should Be Teaching Instead
If we confuse respect with obedience, we lose powerful opportunities to model and teach authentic, relational respect.
Here’s what I want young people to understand when we teach respect:
- Respect matters all the time—for everyone—including children.
- Obedience matters in certain circumstances—when someone (e.g. an adult) is responsible for the safety and wellbeing of another (e.g. a child).
- It is possible to disobey someone respectfully. We want young people to know how to do this. Think about peer pressure, unsafe parties, or questionable adults. In those moments, respectful disobedience is not only okay—it’s essential.
- It is also possible to obey someone disrespectfully. If I do what you ask but resent you silently or speak negatively about you behind your back, that’s not respect.
Ultimately, I want us as adults to start teaching by showing—through actions—that a young person’s feelings, wishes, and rights matter, regardless of their level of agreement or compliance to our requests. Experiencing respect is the best opportunity for a young person to begin practice respect.
A Story That Changed My Perspective
I once worked with a teenager widely described as “disrespectful.” He had strained or hostile relationships with almost every adult in his life. Teachers and caregivers were worn down—exhausted, confused, and emotionally spent.
At a school meeting, I was invited to share my professional insights. With the teen’s consent, I spoke about his traumatic history and how this shaped his response to authority.
Most teachers listened attentively. But about 20 minutes in, a young male teacher raised his hand:
“I’m sorry, but I’m really confused,” he said. “I had to look this kid up during this meeting because I’ve never had a problem with him. I thought I was in the wrong room. I don’t know this version of the student at all.”
Fascinated, I later asked the teen about this teacher.
“Oh yeah, Mr X,” he said casually. “He’s all good.”
I pressed, “What makes Mr X different?”
“I dunno… he just treats me normal.”
I leaned in. “So, if Mr X asks you to do something, you…?”
“Oh, I’d do it for him,” he replied. “Not ‘cause I think it’s right and stuff, but I would do it… if he asked me.”
The Power of Relationship
That moment stayed with me.
That is the power of relationship. That is what real respect looks like—not obedience born of fear, but action born of trust and mutual regard.
If we want to raise respectful young people, we need to start by showing them what respect really means—and more importantly, living it ourselves.
